Final Hearing and some other Opinions

Hi guys and ladies.
Firstly, sorry for not putting a lot of my time to helping the forum, but it’s been a horrible 2010 and once things have settled, I will be there.

In a nutshell, August last year my wife of 4 years (partner for 10) decided to up and leave with our 2 very young children (2 and 5).

It was a clear case of denial. Desperately trying to get pregnant in July and leaving some 2 weeks later. But I had also been watching her drink herself into oblivion since Dec 2008, her bulimia had returned and she was losing so much weight. I had tried every option to get her help, but as I have learnt, the only people who can help are themselves and I believe she ran away. Her Mother has been an alcoholic for some 25 years. On top of this, after seeing her medical records in court, I found out she had been on high levels of Prozac and Fluoxetine for 7 years, dealing with depression, OCD and her diet, before the birth of our first, which I was unaware of.

September last year I had no option but to head to family proceedings to try and obtain custody. The safety of the children was paramount, and I knew she was still drinking. As it was, the judge ordered her to stop drinking and left the arrangement we had agreed in place. Which was me with 2 nights and 3 days and her with the 5 overnights and remaining days. I know now, this is purely for financial and certainly not the children.

So after a long 12 months of kids injuries, numerous witness statements about her drinking and dangerous incidents, nursery informing me that she regularly dropped them off drunk, health visitor concerns about her health, social services not advising correctly, her medical evidence about depression, a very female biased report from CAFCASS that is full of errors, a clear liver function test, numerous court appearances and more. We are at exactly the same position as when this started.

Anyway, the CAFCASS report was not all that bad and in conclusion as it says we should continue with a “shared care arrangement” as it worked well and the judge has sent this to final hearing set for November. The only thing to discuss at final hearing in his words are “confined the statements to the issue of the proposed shared care arrangements.”

Now, I have them from Sun 12 noon to Tue 12 noon and then again, Thursday from 8:15 to 5:30pm. That is the arrangement that has been in place from her leaving. I have always expressed that I would like equal shared care and at the last hearing tried to negotiate another night with her side. It was not happening and they tried to pull back the Thursday from me. The reason being, that I put our son in nursery for 3 hours when really I should spend quality time with him. I think nursery is important for him, we did it for our daughter and I actually have about 5 ½ hours of quality time with him in on Thursday around nursery. What mum forgets also, is that she works Thursday, so what would she do for care arrangement?????

What I also failed to say was, that I have always been the 7 day dad and main carer as I work 3 nights a week 11 – 3am, not detracting from they need mum there when they are asleep, but mum has worked 3 days after our first and then 2 days after our second child. Her own choice and now I probably realise why she needed the money (alcohol) as I was paying everything else.

Now, my concern is for the future. I believe that when this is all over (court) and the pressure is off, it won’t be long before mum goes back to her old ways. I want to do what I can to protect the children not only in the short term (if she crashes and burns), but also long term. My 5 year old girl is already showing signs of learnt behaviour over food, diet and mums clothing sizes.

I feel that an equal balance in parenting will at least reduce the risk of this happening and it allows me to monitor and encourage what is right and not wrong. My Ex is a role model of her alcoholic mum and I think this is learnt behaviour from her younger years. She has also resented her mum since she was 14, till this happened last year.

I also think that she does not realise, as her having more nights her benefits would not change. The only thing that might would be her maintenance I pay her as I would be on equal days, but I did offer to come to some arrangement over this and certainly would not let the children go short.

To conclude, It has been a tough year with this, divorce and my father killing himself but with the help of friends, doctor and forums I am now moving on. She is not a bad mum, but she has issues. Out of love, but will always care about her. And I now have to move forward and I am of the mind-set of what will be, will be. If I get a night then great, if it stays the same, Fine. If I lose a night, gutted but focus on the kids and the time I do have.

So, very long winded but I think a bit of background is important.

So for all the experts in Final hearings.
How would you see it going and what to expect?
What is the procedure.
Any points for my statement which you feel would look strong in court.
And I suppose the big question, should I take what I have got and avoid a final hearing and give up the fight for the kids. I have come this far and my solicitor has said don’t give up.

Thanks in Advance everyone.