Applying for a paternity test

Lou

If my mother ever did such a thing it would have crushed me. Mothers are the ultimate protectors, not there to dump fuel on an already massive fire. dont cause your children any unessary pain my friend, ex has done more than enough and they will know for themselves.

Eyes I knew I'd get shot down for that but as you know I speak my mind (a little too much sometimes)..you see, my bio father...I call him my sperm donor he left my mum when I was 4 and she was pregnant with my brother for another woman.
All my life I watched my half sister (who I didnt speak to as my bio father didnt have any contact through choice with my brother and me, nor paid my mum any CM) who went to my school have a lavish lifestyle...lots of holidays, nice house (I remember finding out where they lived and crouched outside the drive thinking how lovely it was) etc while my brother and me lived in appalling conditions with a very depressed mum (I now realise she was depressed now I've grown up, I used to think she just couldnt be bothered to cook or clean etc).
Anyway, aged 18 I decided to go and see my bio father at one of his garages (he owned a few). When I walked in I said to the receptionist "Id like to see Mr XXX"...she asked who I was and I said tell him "Lou XXX (Same surname) is here"...out walked bio father..big hugs.."omg look at you" bulls**t etc. At that time aged 18, pre child body, long blonde hair I was a focal point for his mates...he liked showing me off...to him though I wasnt a daughter.
I realised this pretty quickly and decided to cut contact (not helped by my mates saying my "dad" was "leery").
Anyway, fast forward over 20 years...bio father saw my mum at a supermarket and told her he'd love to see me and could I pass on his number? My mum, fair as ever did just that.
I had his number for a couple of weeks but didnt call it. First of all I went to my mum and asked her to tell me EVERYTHING.
She said he'd had an affair, left her pregnant with nothing, hadnt been slightly interested in me or my brother, that him and his wife made her life hell (his new wife took things out on HP life furniture etc and put them under my mums name and my mum ended up having bailiffs round!)..the list went on and on...what hit me hardest was my mum saying that he was a successful business man and yet wouldnt provide for us...but provided a great life for his Mrs' 2 kids and their bio kid.
Anyway, my point is that IF I'd have known this at 18 I would not have got in touch with him in a million years! Not a chance. Because my mum was so decent I suffered twice..once when he left when I was 4 and didnt give a damn and again at 18 when I was a "trophy daughter" (his other daughter was plump and plain - I'm not being horrid, she just was)...now I'm told he has a heart condition and thats why he wants to see me...for forgiveness? No idea but I sent a message with my uncle saying "no thanks".
My dads the one who brought me up, not the git who provided the sperm sample.
Trust me eyes my kids are my world...but I'm not having them making my mistake, putting some loser on a pedastal...no way.
Lou xx

the thing is, Lou, at 38 with all your life experience behind you, you were probably far more receptive to hearing your mum's story for what it was than you might have been at 18. Let's face it, some of us have been through stuff that wouldn't be out of place on some dodgy morning chat show and I'm not sure I ever want my boys knowing what their father put me through. At 18, you must have considered yourself invicible, capable of long standing relationships with 'normal' outcomes and wouldn't necessarily have believed that anyone, let alone your father, was capable of such crappy behaviour.

I don't want to protect my boys from their dad's behaviour, but as I hope to bring them up with a far more...decent? normal? attitude to women and relationships, I just don't want them to know what their dad did. But like you, I have kept EVERYTHING that will back up my 'story' should my children's father ever decide to tell them his, very warped, version of events. I see it as a kind of insurance policy and there is nothing you could do (at this time anyway) to persaude me that I should consider getting rid of it all. I will use it if I have to. I would rather that than have the boys see me through their father's eyes at some point in their lives. I expect, Lou, like my ex, your ex will have built his own coffin and nailed it firmly shut by the time the children are really old enough to understand and make moral judgements, but the 'insurance' is everything for peace of mind. It sure as hell is something my ex doesn't have right now.

I would have to agree with MTB too in addition to my comment. you certainly dont want to let them live in glass houses in regards to their opinion of their father but most young adults have formed some sort of opinion anyway.


MTB- on a very very related note I have also kept everything that my ex and me have exchanged, whether it was emails, fb messages or texts (have 2 x 32GB memory cards full tbh) I know that my ex has nothing but hte last 10 or so texts from me. shes like that, lives in the moment, that way she can write the truth how she likes.
Back in the spring last year, she tried to say that for the first 18 months of our separation I 'couldnt be bothered, and that i only wanted to be a father when it suited me'
was like a massive slap in teh face and to be honest, probably been overheard or relayed to the children on many many occasions..all the while i had a c100 pending with court due to her blocking contact 4 months running and having been told out and out that SHE was in control of how the children would see me and that she would make damn sure I would never see them again or at best supervised hif i didnt pay up, shut up and do as she says..word for word.

I told her flat out...Well, the folder full of text messages from you over the last 18 months in response to me practically begging to see my children mgiht prove otherwise....


She has, no word of a lie, done a complete 180 since that text. agreeing to everything, appearing as amicable as can be, letting me have extra contact, the list goes on...all because she knows now that her version of the truth has actual hard evidence against it now and no matter what she says to everyone, including the children, its not the truth. Its sad, that I had to go to such an extreme to get proper contact with my children but on the advice of a very very experienced phsycology sp! grad student I just told her I had dirt on her..in a nice way.

Hi Mary.....lol

Your ex must surely miss your sence of humour.

What's that? Don't call me Shirley!

thanks for making me chuckle.

I'm new to this site and I wondered if there's a private way of sending a message rather than this open method.