What would YOU change if you could?

Spooky wrote:

I think there should be a cooling off period following seperation (a year maybe) to allow emotions to settle.

I think parents with children should be forced to attend mediation/ family therapy or some other professional organisation to sort out arrangements and the children (maybe 11+) should be able to attend and participate. A legally binding contract between all parties (including kids) should be drawn up.
This organisation should not have anything to do with the court but the court would be required to endorse it.

Thanks for contributing Spooky. While I agree they are great long term aims, what do you think we can do in the short term with our code of conduct?

Mumtoboys wrote:

You could never make this 'legal', I guess, but some kind of recommended time lapse between a marriage breaking down and the side with the new partner introducing children of the marriage to the new partner....my stbx thought nothing of doing this to our then 4 year old at 8 days after leaving the family home (also after saying in front of me that he wasn't leaving to live with another lady - I had worked it out, he just thought I was stupid) and told him to keep it secret.

Perhaps this is where 'conduct' should come into things - screwing with your children's mind has lasting impact. Stbx still in denial that our sobbing 5 year old, who's school work has bottomed out, is even midly upset. What is there to be upset about when at daddy's house you get to eat crisps, have fizzy drinks and get new toys every week?! It's me that deals with the fall out, not him!

Seriously, perhaps some simple research outcomes for children of separation and divorce could be summarised for use at mediation and/or given out by solicitors. Our mediator did this - but sheis on the board of Resolution so has a vested interest - and it was very sobering, visibly so for my stbx (although lasting impact hasn't happened). However, if we are going down the more or less compulsory mediaton and/or counselling route, this would prove useful, I think.

Oh I am not so sure Mums - divorce is hard enough for kids without being introduced to the new partners quickly as well. In terms of the research papers, if we collated some common themes and requested that lawyer partners put them in the information pack, would that satisfy that need do you think?

that's my point DL, that it happens in many cases, way too quickly and this is damaging to the children. Introductions should be part of the 'cooling off period'.

Yes, putting some research outcomes into a lawyer's pack does it for me. Of course, you can't force people to read and digest but....

No mums, sadly we can't - but getting it out there is at least a start .

I dont think" no one "is explaining things to us. Most solicitors seem to include explanation of the process of divorce with their original Terms when a client engages them.
As far as the surgeon analogy goes, there are many , many people who would just accept that a surgeon told them they needed an operation. Many people bow to the status and experience of professionals without question.
Realistically, the point is more that we must be aware that our instincts, knowledge and experience of our own situation means we must take a less subservient stand with solicitors/ barristers who may not be as " right " as they often appear to think they are. A balance of exchanging information and knowledge
would be appropriate. And that can only be achieved by the individuals response.

Hi
Unsure if this is covered elsewhere, but it's all the procrastinating that really bothers me. There seems to be little real come back on people who delay things. There must be enough divorce case law by now that should make the process more streamlined, H gets £X, W gets £X, now go away and get on with your lives.

Hi DL. Just thought that I would add some initial thoughts.

Maybe we should all do pre nups for all aspects before marriage! Bit like making a Will but about what we agree to happen (in the main)if we divorce.
Seriously though - how about legal aid tailor made packages. You can pick between the main 'headings' as to what you would like to apply for and specify within those headings which aspects you particularly require advice on. Then apply for all selected and have cert to cover all. There would of course have to be some clause to allow for flexibility if circumstances changed as you never can tell what's going to come up.
Also having read some posts I feel that there should be some scope to aid self employed/business owners who may need financial aid to help them to sort out this aspect of their divorce.( I may be wrong , but I don't think this exists at present).
Agree with compulsory mediation and counselling, but not with cooling off period.

Like the idea of meeting to discuss, but not with children as personally do not feel they know enough of life to make informed and reasoned decisions. I am aware that as a parent you do have to take their views into consideration, but they would have to be informed opinions to be entirely valid and I feel that there are a lot of things involved in divorce of which children should be ununaware. Particularly in some divorces.

How about a standard feedback system for Divorce Lawyers/Barristers? Which is publically available?

Agree with case histories/experiences and effects of Divorce being provided (anonymously to protect I/Ds and children) as I think this would be sobering for those just contemplating Divorce.

Only prob with providing a pack encompassing all possible providers of advice to all prospective divorcees would be we could all be on Wiki with our stx's!

That's just some thoughts, I might add some more if I think of any!

Weeme