It was the first day of my holiday. It was also a day that I had only very recently recovered from a virus that knocked me sideways for about a week; I had slept for days. I was worried since I knew that my holiday was going to require a lot of physical and mental energy. I gingerly peered outside of my bedroom window: it was dark and immeasurably rainy. My holiday was to ride a motorbike from London to the highlands of Scotland. I wasn't very happy.

I gave my mate a call to delay departure for a couple of hours, hoping that the rains would pass, and also to pop out to the supermarket

I am having a darkest before the dawn moment and rather than lie awake in bed, I thought I'd try to get rid of my feelings here. I've started to receive messages from his extended family. Messages of shock, sadness but most of all, they shout their total ignorance of the reason why stbx left. I don't blame his mum, she's a lovely lady and stbx has obviously left the dirty work of spreading the word, to her. and the story is that we have 'fallen apart'. Which is actually a good description. But it leaves out the real horror. That for eight years, our whole marriage, three children, he has

I can't help wondering how I found myself here, what I could have done to prevent it and also to deserve it. I'm a really good and honest person. I am proud of who I am; what I think, what I do and what I believe. Well most of the time. Have been trying the no contact thing and failing miserably. Have sent a few honest emails, and a few stupid texts. And even worse, a few moments of desperation but both of us using each other. Its impossible to switch off feelings just like that at least for me and I miss him physically as well as emotionally. I know it was wrong but I don't regret