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Feb 29
2008
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ContributionPosted by scottishlady in money and finances, financial arrangements |
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I find myself reading so many posts about who contributed what to this and that.....
I find this personal...... as, six or seven months ago, after my stbx left me (without a word).... he decided to call me to tell me he wanted to sell our home of 20+ years, and he wanted to be divorced (for the 3rd time)....
We, as most people do, had some to-ing and fro-ing about financials..... and he said that I should have 50% of the equity in the house - nothing else........ as I hadn't made a mortgage payment......
Well - excuse me - I have worked all of our married life........ apart from when our daughter was a baby..... until she satrted school at 4 years old..... but......by no means earning nearly as much as he has.....
Never the less......
every single penny I have ever earned has gone towards 'our lifestyle'........ I have paid for holidays....I have bought pretty much every stick of furniture that is in our home...... I paid for fencing around our property....I paid for our back garden to be 'landscaped'...... I paid for every christmas... birthdays.... I bought the greenhouse.... I bought the car that my stbx is driving......I paid for our daughters driving lessons......and bought (with a loan) her first car...... I paid for a trip to New York to celebrate her 21st birthday (with my stbx's approval)........
BUT - I have not contributed to our life!!!!!!!
My stbx is of the opinion that because 'he' paid the mortgage and utility bills, I have made no contribution towards our home or our life.....
I, on the other hand...... beleive that I made the best and most comfortable home that I could......
There is more to making a 'home' than who pays the mortgage.....
Comments (8)
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Elizabeth
said:
| February 29, 2008 | ||
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Too right!! The audacity of some men!!  Just ignore what he says - a court would see that you have more than fairly contributed to the marriage. It's not just about the mortgage and utility bills. |
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IFIKNEWTHEN
said:
| March 01, 2008 | ||
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Karen, sounds like you have the bit between your teeth. You go girl. I recall my x2b saying that he had worked all our married life to provide for me and our 5 children. Excuse me, I worked part time after my first 2 children were toddlers and have since brought up, pretty well, I believe all 5 of our children. I have worked 24/7, 365 days a year with little support from him and abuse into the bargain. I think I have contributed equally to this marriage and yet he wants to see me homeless with 5 children. I saved Child benenfit etc to pay for the family holidays and other treats whilst he gambled away thousands of pounds. Sadly, I am beginning to accept that I am going to walk away with very little from this marriage except the most precious thing to come out of it, my 5 children. Karen, you have every right to feel agrieved at the way your x2b is treating you. You made your marriage and he broke it. Love Sarah xx |
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scottishlady
said:
| March 02, 2008 | ||
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Thanks both..... Lol, yes, Sarah... I was 'up on my soap box' there..... I have since calmed down, but am still of the same opinion re my STBX.... Whether or not the outcome of our 'situation' will be 'fair'... is yet to be seen... I certainly hope that we can both walk away without the feeling that either of us has been 'screwed'.... sadly, I don't think my STBX is of the same opinion.... I think he'd be happy to see myself and our daughter in a cardboard box... Personally, I think you deserve so much more, I take my hat off to you..... the 'contribution' you have made deserves a medal in my opinion..... to raise 5 children in itself is a feat I can only admire.... Karen xxx |
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cheated1
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| March 04, 2008 | ||
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Don't worry about it, the courts always lean towards the woman particularly where children are involved. Just what you end up with or how "good a deal" you get depends a lot upon the sympathy of the judge, so be reasonable. Even rights and wrongs count for little now, so don't waste time and money trying to prove every point. Who paid the mortgage has little or nothing to do with it when you have been together 20 years. You have a child that must be looked after till she is 16 - 18 years old. Divorce is not a "meal ticket" for life but it does not mean you?re left destitute. Plan for a drop in lifestyle but also expect a huge burden off your shoulder when it?s over. One tip I can give you is DO NOT start haggling over bits and pieces from the home. You may hate losing anything, they are a symbol of your past life which you hate to lose but when it?s over they will mean nothing to you and you will bin many of the things you fought over. Haggling means solicitors letters and maybe court appearances which cost a fortune -- your original feelings may be "give him nothing? but when the bills are paid your share comes from what is left. It is better for your ex to have more, if you get more also; than see the solicitors take the lot. They may seem sympathetic but they have done this hundreds of times and are just happy for you to fight it out and take YOUR MONEY. Saying the husband will pay is BS it will come out of the common assets and half is yours. Trashing his car, burning his clothes is churlish and may give momentary satisfaction but in the end you are cutting your nose to spite your face, by reducing the overall value of the assets. He will pay to repair or replace them out of the common money or claim for their replacement Keep your eye on the big picture and get it over with as quickly and cheaply as possible. Remember many exs are helpful after the divorce has settled if the other party has been reasonable. This does not mean capitulate over everything. You will have many off days but just hang in there. |
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scottishlady
said:
| March 04, 2008 | ||
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Thankyou 'cheated 1' for your comment..... To be honest...I am not after a 'good deal'..... only a fair one...... There are no children involved, so to speak - only a grown up daughter...... I am not interested in a 'meal ticket for life'..... I work two jobs, and can support myself...... All I was trying to say was that because I hadn't 'physically' made a mortgage payment... didn't mean that I hadn't contributed to our 20 years together..... I have no intention of 'haggling' over things which anyone would deem unimportant.... eg, household posessions etc..... and I have NEVER been of the 'give him nothing' attitude...... The way I see it....... We have been married for seventeen years.... together for more than twenty years...... we both made a substantial contribution to our lives and home..... therefore, our 'assets' should be split 50/50 at least...... not only the equity of the house..... My STBX earns considerably more money than I do...... and I believe he is living with his new partner..... therefore, it seems to me, that his housing needs are infact 'met'...... whereas, myself, and our daughter, will have to move out of our home, of over 20 years..... and start over again, so, I don't think it's unreasonable to look for at least a 'fair' result..... Once gain, thanks for your comment SL |
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NOtia
said:
| March 06, 2008 | ||
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Hi Karen, I have read your entire story (blogs). I can?t believe how somebody could do this to their wife! Also it looks like it wasn't his first time? Anyway I wanted to tell you how much I admire your strength! I can?t imagine the shock the 20th of July had to be for you and yet you deal with all of it so great and with dignity?I'm sure your daughter is very proud of you and you are great role model for her? |
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scottishlady
said:
| March 06, 2008 | ||
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Hi NOtia..... Wow - you read ALL my blogs????.... I find that a compliment - thankyou.... My story is only one amongst many..... all our own personal experencies.... and our very personal pain.... I have come a long way since the 20th July.... emotionally anyway... I have no choice but to live a different life now... a life I would not have chosen, nor did I want.... but, nevertheless, it is the hand I have been dealt, and I will do my best with it.... I am by no means 'over' what happened between myself and my stbx... and I don't think I will ever understand how a person can treat another so badly, particularly, one they professed to love.... but...... I shall continue to move forward with my life.... who knows what the future may hold, but for now, I am content to be alone... Once again..... thankyou for taking the time to read my story.... Karen  |
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divorceVeteran
said:
| March 09, 2008 | ||
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It is all very good advice not to get lost in the Past of who-did-what-to-whom, who-gave-what, and the perceived injustice by the other spouse after the 'contract of marriage' is broken for whatever reasons. And it's a sad realization to me 7 years later that I too wanted to be 'fair' in the financial split of 17 years together. 'Fair' would have been something like 50/50 split, instead it was 77% in his favour due to not only what I see as his greed and lack of fairness, but also the incompetence and negligence of a legally aided system. I still don't know why his retirement (I was a stay at home Mom with two kids--one who has special needs) wasn't ever mentioned in the Court Order. I just wish that I would have had this site to hear all the discussion and ideas put forward, and the advice. The need to sort things out emotionally AND the need to sort out the facts and figures of the divorce were something I could not do by my self. Thank you all for sharing your hearts and minds. | |
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