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Sep 01
2009
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as some of you may be aware, i have been on a weight loss program for exactly a year today. i am at the moment feeling good about my self, and actualy liking myself (not had that feeling for a long long time). total weight loss to date 93lbs, i still have a way to go for target, but taking each day as it comes.
like most of you, i have a lot of fluctuating emotions to deal with. I never wanted to be in this sorry mess, not my choice. One minute i'm dealing with being on my own. the next i'm a quivering wreck, ready to cry if someone even glanced my way ( or even if they didnt). I find it hard to deal with the rejection. and the thought of staring out on my own, making a new life meeting new people, will i ever be able to truley trust someone again.
today while i was laying there (at 3am yet again) i thought of how,8 weeks ago my life as i new it had been blown apart, the man i love and planned my future with didnt want to be in my life anymore. Devestated, i couldnt see how i would go on, we have debt and a half built house, he just got up and walked away from it. four weeks in to the seperation i would have given anything for him to be back in my life as a permenant fixture. i hung on to his every visit, extended the goodbyes on the door step, gave 'friend' hugs,. it was killing me watching him walk away everyday. It was at that point that i made my mind up to not be so needy of him (hard hard choice) i was still chatty and friendly, but didnt get up when he left, stopped the hugs(it broke my heart as i didnt want to risk losing his friendship). Two weeks ago another change of mind, this time it was to NOT be available when he came to see the kids, he choose not to want me in his life yet i was still there whenever he needed a friend, i had listened to his problems about work and his family (and i suspect he tells me these things coz i Know and understand his life structure , and his 'not' girlfriend doesnt) but not anymore.if he visits i go upstairs or out the back door, this i know is hurting him more than he will let on, he thought his bread was buttered both sides. a strange thing happened last week, i had put some old photos in the dustbin, there were amongst them 3 of us as a couple, a honeymoon one and 2 others. he came to visit the kids that evening, they saw him come up the garden but he didnt knock, when they asked what he was doing he claimed the bin had gone over and he picked up the rubish, so then why were all the photos still in the bin with the exception of 3. the man cant let go.
At the moment i am looking back to how black that hole was 8 weeks ago, there was no foot hold, nothing at all. but as these weeks have gone on and i have had to deal with finances ,my emotions, the emotions of 5 kids ,solicitors, work, making plans for housing security, and being supported and supporting my wiki mates. that damn hole is still black but it has a grey auora with glimpses of light round the edge.and even when my moments of lonelines,fear and sad thoughts overwhelm me, and i walk around the house at three in the morning, i know its gonna be alright.
staying positive xxxxxx
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frankie7
said:
| September 01, 2009 | ||
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Hi Mummy6, I can relate to everything tou are going through,my ex is playing mind games and I have tried ignoring (which I no kills him),tried to be nice and help and we were in alot of debt and like you it broke my heart when he walked away,but now he has decided not to see the kids and I don't know why,we will get there I tell myself that everyday,but like me you are the winner as you have your lovely kids. Lots of love and head up its a new day xx |
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irisjean
said:
| September 01, 2009 | ||
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Suddenly a degree of strength, to go forward alone, does creep in, when least expected. A "very small" chink of light does appear - not a huge light at the end of the tunnel but light enough to shine upon us. The ring of "self protect" is forming. For so many of us here the Future cannot possibly be as bad as the Past has been on so many occasions. Life will not be as it once was, we owe it to ourselves - and the children - to make sure it will be better. Love to you all xxx | |
mummy6
said:
| September 01, 2009 | ||
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a big thank you guys. and lots of hugs. we will all get to tred a more even path eventualy i'm sure. | |
enliven
said:
| September 01, 2009 | ||
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That waking at 3am is a b----r isn't it? I wonder what clicks in our brain that says "Come on, wake up, time to start worrying for the day" Oh the mind games. I just vaccumed the home office, turned round and saw written large, "SOLICITOR 9th SEPT." that could easily have been put on his phone, it is there to simply unnerve me. So I thought sod the housework, I'm off to talk to my Wiki friends. |
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julesm
said:
| September 01, 2009 | ||
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Hi Mummy I think the waking in the early hours has to be the worst possible thing - I hate it, but it still happens occasionally for me. For me though things are getting better. It is lonely for me living apart from my family but my life here has to be better than the one my ex was leading me - playing games with me, flaunting his woman friend in front of me, the constant texting backwards and forwards on their phones, the numerous telephone calls, it was never ending and they couldnt seem to get enough of each other. Well I have left them to it now. They are welcome to each other. I have other fish to fry, as they say, and life is looking good, even for a relatively older woman such as myself! I find too that the more I ignore my ex the more he hates it! Tough is all i can say. Best Wishes Jules |
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hurtandsad
said:
| September 02, 2009 | ||
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Glad to hear that things areimproving. I severed all but essential communication right away. As my kids are grown up I didn't have to be involved in access, As it happened they dont want contact either. Thro his own treatment of us he went from a loving family to nothing.He is now with ow but it was me who told him to go and same with ow's husb. They will never know if they would have chosen to leave. They have both lied and cheated, they deserve each other. We can get on with our lives with a clear conscience and the love and respect of our kids. Jackie |
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Helli
said:
| September 03, 2009 | ||
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Congrats 2 u mummy, long may it continue. We wont recognise you in a bit. Helli |
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