Update and premonitions.

To my Wiki friends who supported me throughout 2008 I would like to pass on my gratitude. I haven't been on the site for quite some time for various reasons. I was also approaching a crucial time with court dates to achieve a financial resolution. By being away from the site it also enabled me to find further energy and strengths from within myself and to really focus on my and my sons' future.

Update

My legal battles have been going on for over two years since I petitioned and I was becoming gradually drained. Most court cases were adjourned by my xtb. Not including another year prior to this in coming to terms with the end of my marriage. Wiki probably did not exist then. Year 2006 was one of my most challenging years and has continued to be so since then.

Well when we went to court eventually on the 31stOct.2008 at least it progressed for the first time into financial discussions. I chose a very good barrister who was Head of chambers with over 30 years experience in complex cases. However there was no resolution as xtb's barrister insisted that her client's employment position was still unclear. For those who do not know my story my xtb who worked as a financial planning manager has been on sick leave for 3 years to date primarily for alcohol abuse as he got arrested for drinking and driving. It was I who suggested he took time off work as I knew he was always under a lot of pressure. He also needed to drive to visit his clients. So his job would have been in jeopardy. I won't go into great detail that prior to this he had been involved in what he described as "platonic friendships" with other women/young girls found out by personal text messages by mistake. i.e. would arrive home late and went upstairs to change out of suit and mobile in kitchen pinged. Forgave him once and 7 months later forgave him again, twice basically and second time was a lot harder.( not counting his first affair when I was 8 weeks pregnant in 1996) This led to a year of deciding whether to split but he was so convincing and upset. So eventually these events in 2002/2003 passed. Since his first day off after his arrest, in 2006 supporting him in anyway possible emotionally and financially he started another affair which I found out about 7 months on from the start of his sick leave. He had also started counseling which I recommended he did. His new affair was the re-start of his abusive and challenging behaviour towards me which eventually led to an injunction. He would cause arguments to enable him to leave the house all hours of the night etc. At that stage I didn't know he'd met someone. He has now managed to stay off work on sick pay this length of time due to the" breakdown of his marriage." His employer is not aware of his ban to date. In the mean time when he eventually produced a form E after further legal battles it revealed he had spent 21k having a good time with his new g/f . Well his position with regards to his job at the court case was that he was still negotiating going back to work in a different role. He had been assessed as being fit to return mid last year. He sort of expected his employer to bend over backwards and accommodate him and God, considering the present climate I think he was/is living in cuckoo land.

Well I came out of court with a good feeling. My barrister advised it would be reasonable to achieve 70% of the equity of the house through negotiation of other assets and he was made responsible for 11k of my legal fees which really covered the injunction costs and only a small part of the divorce proceedings but still to be addressed as mine has escalated to 19k to date. Well solicitor has had a total of 14k paid up to date by me.

Well 6 working days just before the next hearing that was due on the first of Dec my solicitor wrote enclosing copy of letter from xtb's solicitor that his employer had ceased his pay from 1^st of Nov and that if he hadn't secured alternative employment within the company his employment from the 19^th of Dec would cease. Also his solicitor suggested that the likely outcome was that he would be unemployed from then on. He was also taking out a grievance procedure against the bank his employer. At that point I was no longer allowing myself to be fazed by anything. His problem! Okay would loose child maintenance but well just wanted out. And having been assured by barrister that if he became unemployed it was self inflicted as he had been given the choice to return to his previous job then quite frankly I didn't care less anymore. It just got too much. What I realized is that with house prices dropping and mortgage payments dropping drastically I was now in a position to buy him out. The only shock was that in the same correspondence by my solicitor she had elected a junior barrister well whoever was available for that court hearing as mine was on annual leave. There was no profile written up about him. Well after a couple of days thinking I decided to ring her and ask her to postpone. She was supposed to have checked dates with my barrister. I was nervous as I thought xtb would take advantage of this. My sol was right he accepted an adjournment straight away.

Well new date was set for the 2^nd of Feb. The day we had heavy snow falls and court was closed including most transport. But yes a few days prior was in receipt of new letter stating that he was now close to negotiations with his employer but would have a result in 2 weeks. There was also a threat in the letter that if I didn't accept an adjournment as the hearing would not progress to a resolution he would make me responsible for costs. The irony is he's been the one who's been obstructive in the whole divorce proceedings in ALL matters and I won't go into details.  So what followed was a quick conversation with my solicitor who agreed could possibly be a wasted hearing. So back in the same situation as it's my solicitor who writes to court, clarifies with  barrister available dates, writes back to me with a new date and writes back to his solicitor all at my cost. Apart from two hearings I've lost track of the number of adjournments he has made. Let alone the entire chase up letters my sol has written with regards to outstanding issues and some are still outstanding.

Well since then have now got new hearing date for the 30^th March. I have spoken to xtb and it seems like he's going back to his old role and has no other choice. He also has to re-take all his external as well as his annual internal exams. Ermh sorry "wifie" will no longer be there for you to help you with your revision! So there !! In a recent conversation (not that we've had that many) he explained he would be going back to work on a gradual basis over a period of six weeks as suggested by bank or six months as suggested by Axa. God! Is that really my problem any more? Oh and that his concentration (for exams) may be affected by his illness. Well yeah okay, over- drinking does kill the brain cells. Surely he's not going to raise that as an issue in court. At the moment I'm working so hard in banking again part-time and self employed too. Just don't get time for myself. A good thing is I hated weekends as they are so very family orientated but now appreciate it more as it's my unwind and catch up time. That's another emotional breakthrough. I still get the wobbly day and sometimes get over tired more due to the ongoing divorce I think. And I worry about being the main provider for my son and what if anything should happen to me etc. I am just about to put a proposal through which he will either accept or decline. I guess I know the answer. But spring is in the air and that's how I feel. That the start of my new life is round the corner.

Premonitions

Well had a setback this week but feel so much more composed. My xtb's father died of cancer two and a half years back. My mother in law lives in Devon. I always had a good relationship with them and have lovely memories. Although they lived almost 5 hours away we had a lot of contact with them. And my son has always been very close to them. They did know about his cheating in 2002 and then again 2003. They did know about his drink and driving arrest. But they didn't know in detail about his abusive behaviour before the ban and the continuation of it when he started therapy at the Priory. In fact when he got admitted to the Priory 2 days prior to that I had to see a consultant who after examinations detected a growth in one of my ovaries.  A date was arranged within 2 days to have keyhole surgery. It happened to be the same day xtb was also being admitted at the Priory.  So we both headed off that day to different hospitals for different reasons. My in laws came up to look after son for 2 weeks. It was all so stressful. My own parents who are more elderly would not have coped. But were there for me at the hospital and shared the childcare with my in laws. Sadly a month later father in law was diagnosed with terminal cancer and sent home to die as it was too advanced. Xtb showed little emotion and was already at that stage engrossed with his new g/f. The fact that my mother in law had cancer herself diagnosed 8 years ago and was grieving her loss I was reluctant to give her any information about her sons' increasingly abusive behaviour etc which led to an injunction. Divorce proceedings then started when a credit card statement arrived showing a hotel double room booking. We had met up prior to this two weeks before hand in a public place primarily for him to see his son and then he tried to convince me not to start divorce and to wait 2 years as it was too final. God was he confusing me then but really the truth was he was still controlling.  I had no further doubts about divorce by then. So I guess from then on, family took sides and mother in law distanced herself from me. Well I guess it's natural to be protective about her son and not knowing all the truth. She kept in regular contact with my son and always sent a card with cheque enclosed for birthdays and Christmas. Son would always ring to thank her etc. When we had our first hearing back in May 2008 I was shocked to see my mother in law there with xtb and elder son. She had traveled all the way from Devon for a hearing that was of little consequence as xtb had not provided all requested financial documentation that was missing on the form E. She looked well, healthy and robust. She was always a very active woman. But I felt sad that she didn't acknowledge me but well.... Usual communication continued with son and mother in law and son received his birthday card Sept. 2008. This last Christmas he did not receive anything and thought perhaps it had got lost in the post or even perhaps she had had a change of heart. I was tempted to ask xtb about it as, if it had got lost, it would appear that I hadn't cashed it in on purpose. But then decided it would be too embarrassing if it had been intentional.

But then last weekend woke up Saturday with a dream. Well not quite, as we can have dreams but not remember them. I just remember waking up startled and thinking omg  " m" has died. Why I don't know. I made an arrangement with xtb to come round on Sunday. He had requested via sols to sell second car in December. This was addressed a year ago as I have 2 cars sitting on the drive and his ban ended over a year ago. I managed to get an offer on the car which he didn't accept. So was left to him as he thought he could get a better price and had someone in mind. After a few letters of exchange via solicitors confirming a trader had given me a price which he didn't accept but thought he could get more he never turned up. He's now decided not to sell. God just another depreciating asset and he can't make his mind up. At that point the issue with his mother was still niggling me and mentioned son hadn't received xmas card. He responded in a flippant and cocky manner well "I didn't get one from son"  "God  I thought"  he's just turned 12 and made his own in primary but he never goes out shopping on his own yet so neither did I get one. He's still young and in a middle of transition from primary to secondary.

So last Monday as it was still niggling me I decided to ring Torbays  registry office and enquire. And OMG  a " voice" at the other end of the phone confirmed my mother in law had passed away. All I remember is my body turned to jelly and thought I was about to collapse. I still insisted "have you got the right address"" yes" he said "Was it before Christmas?" "Yes it was" but I could apply for the death certificate, " No thank you" Well I just crumbled that day. Left the office early and felt so sick and upset. Spent the evening finding Devon's local papers and tributes and found it eventually. xxxx had passed away, devoted wife of  late xxxx and named the children and burial date but no mention of her devoted grandchild. Her only grandchild and they were so close. She passed away peacefully at Torbays' hospital on the 19^th of November. She was part of my life for 20 years, respected her and was very saddened by this.  It hit me hard. Father in law had passed away very suddenly, I am the middle of a divorce (not that am upset about that anymore ) and mother in law had passed away without my knowledge. It felt eerie and scary. My whole passed life was being wiped out. But I also felt hurt that my son in principle was being lied to by his father and had been robbed of seeing his grandmother one last time. I would have driven a million miles for this. I am such a proud mother how he has coped and grown and would also have liked her to see him and for her to be proud of him too. She loved him so much and never got to see him since April 2006. I can neither understand that she did not make a request to see him. Was it all a conspiracy?

Well it was all kept quite hidden for obvious reasons as xtb now has an inheritance. In laws had large house, huge amount of savings, new cars and I know an account was opened for my son since birth. Another betrayal, this time because of money.

I put the majority of the deposit into our MH nearly 50% because I owned a previous property, earned more than him for the majority of the time, and received 2 large redundancies. One was only 3 and a half years ago. It all has to go into the pot and he is fighting me for every penny.

He is selfish, greedy, self centered and a liar. And all this has manifested itself in the whole of my marriage and divorce.

Life can be so sad and no one has control of certain things. But he is shortly no longer going to be in control of my life.

Anna.