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Aug 31
2008
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In replying to a blog today it reminded me of the letters I wrote to my stbx which I never sent. I found the emotional stages in a book and they were stated as being;
SHOCK, ANGER, PAIN, HATRED, GRIEVING, HEALING
The letter idea was from the healing stage - a letter to your partner expressing some of the emotions you have experienced. Should be written, not to be actually sent. Imagine that everything you write is heard and understood the way you want it to be.
ie.I feel angry because ...... I feel so angry when ...... I don't like ...... I wish ..... I feel sad because ..... I feel afraid when ..... I am sorry because ......
Then, you take charge of how you want to be treated, write the reply you would wish to receive. The one you deserve to receive.
(n.b. I did with some poetic licence which I did have to burn!! lol)
Then it is supposed you can forgive (not forget) but to forgive (forgiving makes us stronger) because you give up resentment bitterness and can move on! Yeh!
Even write a letter of forgiveness (def do not send this one, esp before the end of the divorce!!! lol)
If you are still with me, this did help me, honest, even though it sounds a bit mumbo jumbo. The best line I remembered was this, about getting through each stage...
"You have got through it. There may be some bad days ahead but you have coped and you always will. You are not superhuman but you are strong. You are further along to a bright, new future."
And there endeth my touchy feely sermon for Sunday....
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GettingBetter
said:
| August 31, 2008 | ||
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Hi MrsNomore Totally empathise with you (no BS). As the crapped upon, the need to understand what has happened can become almost unbearable. You want to understand, you want to talk about it, you want to know that you didn't really do anything wrong. You want to understand the reasoning and mindset of the person to whom you had dedicated so much. BIG PROBLEM.... They don't want to know!!! So what do you do? Write a letter that you never send? Have mental conversations until you turn yourself inside-out? Burn with a passion you have never known before? Confront them and beg them to explain? Answered YES to any of the above? Still feel unresolved? No doubt! As I have said before in my blog, you can not rationalise the unrational. Spending any time with somebody you love, you build expectations of them. When they do something that you could not possibly have done or expect, it becomes incomprehensible. God knows, I've given my Ex so much "benefit of the doubt", so much allowance for how her mind was, her state of health, etc, etc. What I would have given for a conversation (even a short one) where she could explain what (and WHY) she did what she did. Every time I broach the subject with her, she dodges the issue, "I don't want to talk about that". Surely 20 years of dedication and devotion deserves more? Apparently not ! For the other person to explain/discuss reasons for their behaviour will undermine the lies and distortion they have applied to the situation so that they can cope with the guilt. Realising this fact was the turning point for me. No more mental hand-wringing, no more tears and self-judgemental thoughts. I've never been a cynical person before, but, when it comes down to it, some people can be ass-holes. I sincerely wish you peace and a happy ending. Mike. |
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mrsnomore
said:
| September 01, 2008 | ||
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Thanks Mike. Once I realised that I was trying to communicate with someone who has rewritten what has actually happened in his head to cover for his role in it, I realised that I was wasting precious time and emotions and would be forever banging my head against the wall. It aint worth it anymore and neither is he.  |
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