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Feb 04
2012
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18 months on and I, like so many good Wiki Peeps, am still struggling to come to terms with the sheer destruction that the demise of my marriage has and continues to cause.
Time may have moved on, but the children and I are still stuck. Stuck in this quicksand of divorce that is becoming like a huge black hole, sucking us into a never ending whirlpool of a journey of pain, turmoil and raw emotion. It is a tale of a love once shared, something stronger than any band of gold but now two strangers who are walking a tightrope of a fine line between love and hate. Where did it all go wrong and why, oh why, oh why did it have to end this way?
I used to cry endlessly at the 70's movie Kramer v's Kramer and now I feel like my life is mirrored in this really heartbreaking and sad story!
When I signed up for marriage, I was unaware, as my friend so quickly identified, that my husband "saw me coming a mile off". He saw the type of loyal and faithful person I was, someone who always put the needs of other's first, I did so willingly. I was so oblivious to the fact that he was quite happy for me to lead the way on the domestic front, whilst his life changed very little. He did not make the transition from being a single male to a married, family man well at all. In fact, his drive and determination to seek the adoration of those who mattered so little, in the grand scale of things, became far too much for me to bear. I started to shut down. My shelf life was unknowingly coming to an end!
Little did I realise that my warranty was running out, that he had taken the best years of my life and once he had finished with me, threw me away like an old rag, used up and totally worn out. This I am struggling hard to come to terms with. He threw me out with the rubbish on a heap, when I became so exhausted of his thoughtless and selfish attitude, when I could not take any more. Off he trotted into the sunset, without so much as a care in the world, off to find the next mug or two or three....
Rebuilding a life is so very, very hard when you are past your best before date. It is a true saying, if I only knew, what I know about him now, things would have been so very, very different....
Take care for now FoS x
Comments (15)
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woodybuk
said:
| February 05, 2012 | ||
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FoS, I've seen many of your comments on here and how you have posted so much to those of us struggling, (myself included). I too am past my best before date. When ex first left me I honestly couldn't have told you which way was up! Fortunately I had a good GP, he gave me a short course of prozac, (in the course of which he told me that nine of the eleven doctors in the practice had also benefited from it!). More importantly he pointd out to me that I was coming up 40 and could expect, on average to live until at least 85! I'm struggling a bit at the moment tbh, but I am holding on to the idea that there are some women out there who have tolerated and survived the same as me and maybe I could meet one and be happy. Perhaps, maybe, there's still some happiness out there like that. Every best wish to you. Woody | |
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scaryclairie
said:
| February 05, 2012 | ||
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My dear dear Flower. If you had told either of us 20 months ago how our marraiges, and therefore our families would have disintergrated I don't think either of us would have believed it possible. I know just how you feel, the feeling discarded like a dirty rag. I have met and talked to you and you impress the hell out of me! You are a bolt of fine colourful silk - you are no rag. A lovely Mum, a career, and a fantastic home maker (and I mean HOME maker.) And all with charm kindness and honesty. I wish I could tell you it will all be ok, or had the answer to tell you how to stop the pain....but be assured if it is in a book that amazon sells then I will find it!...and share. I think you have watched the Brene Brown TED lecture on vulnerability (I think thanks go to JJ for sending me off in this direction.) From memory, being vulnerable will allow us to be honest with ourselves and others and will enrich our lives....(I know, it sure as hell doesn't feel like it right now). I think you will enrich the lives of many people in the future and I hope in recognising that in yourself you will find some solace. I would love to tell you it will all 'be ok'.....I don't know - but I do know that 'you are worth it' and deserve better. Please hang on to that. |
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scaryclairie
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| February 05, 2012 | ||
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PS - sorry, I forgot the link. http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html |
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Mitchum
said:
| February 06, 2012 | ||
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Flowers, he's a fool and no mistake. Oh don't I know so well that strutting arrogance of the successful man with the entourage of admiring women! The love which we gave so willingly, thrown back - return to sender. But please never change. That same love is now exclusively for yourself and your lovely children for the immediate future. However your life works out, you have the children from that relationship and you will never regret that. Direct the same care you showed to him onto your children now and nurture in them the moral values you so deeply believe in. You are an amazing, caring, inspirational woman. You must preserve the lovely person you are inside for that is essentially who you are and nothing and no one can take that away from you. In time you will know whether you can love again and this time you will 'see him coming' and after this painful lesson you will recognise a genuine person when you meet him. xx |
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Canuck425
said:
| February 06, 2012 | ||
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I understand that feeling of being thrown in the garbage. Really, I do. I hope you can surround yourself with people who think you're awesome. Would you ever have imagined how strong you are to get through this? You are getting through it. So be proud. Hold your head up high. Invest in yourself. Do something little every day just for you. Know that you're important and there are people that care about you. 18 months is ok. Too bad you cannot rush the journey but I do not think it works that way... | |
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freefalling
said:
| February 06, 2012 | ||
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Our stories sound so similar. Traded in for another model and not necessarily newer or better either. It's an awful, draining, debilitating, experience. We need to try and make our future years the best years of our life because we owe it to ourselves. I hate that my daughter has to learn life lessons through such a painful experience. I hope that I can teach her that when faced with adversity we may falter but ultimately that we never give up on life and the hope of happiness. Take care FoS xx | |
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ascatfish
said:
| February 06, 2012 | ||
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I could have written that. In fact Im sitting here crying. I gave him EVERYTHING. In the words of the song "i built my lifea round you" and now I too have been thrown aside for trailer trash. It breaks my heart every day - it has a plaster on it now, but underneath its still broken  I keep hoping that someone better will come along, but i know even if someone does I will still have this man and this OW poking and interfering in my life. i can;t see a way out. its depressing. I just want to be happy again. I think you are a lovely person and have given me so much support and kind words over the last few months - you were obviously too good for him, and maybe deep down he knew it so he went for someone more on his level. {{{hugs}}} |
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Patrick1968
said:
| February 06, 2012 | ||
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Two things you got wrong. Its not a never ending journey of pain. It is now and will continue to be but it won't last. Your also not 'passed your sell by'..you were for him but thats his choice not yours (unless you make that decision to sit on the shelf Waiting for Godot) but as long as your can breathe it ain't over. Its so easy to look back and blame ourseleves, 'was it our fault'...honestly??...Probably some of it...we did after all pick the wrong person at the very least. We believed ...doh !!! It would be easy to something trite like 'your re-born and can do what ever you want' which is true if you win the lottery or say something glib like 'show them what they have lost'..all those Clinton card senitiments really don't mean sh8t really. But FOS I do know one thing...once you've beaten yourself up you do one of two things, you either stay down or you get up. Its not a resurrection its a fact. You've come this far if you sack it now then you've wasted alot of effort haven't you. And unlike your rugby team your going to win aren't you ?? | |
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scaryclairie
said:
| February 06, 2012 | ||
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Oh Patrick that was harsh!!!!!(re the rugby - be as harsh as you want with Flower but the Scottish Rugby team needs 'more pity than scolding'! Treat our battered pride with care - oh though goodness knows we should be used to it by now!....didn;t we win a game at Culloden around 1745 or so? We don't like to forget our victories!!!!!) Anyway....back to Flower...... |
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jjones123
said:
| February 06, 2012 | ||
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Althought it might not feel that way, you've already come a very long way. The fact that you've got a huge amount of perspective, understanding what you ex was really like, is a testiment to you. (For what it's worth, my ex saw me coming too: a ticket to a better life, which she got, and I too was also cast aside for something 'better'). Allegedly. Here's a truth: we don't know how their new relationship or life is going. For all intents and purposes, it might be a living nightmare where they may be perpetually confused. I really do think this is a cognitive bias, i.e. those who were cheated on must be having a better life because they left... surely that's the case, right? Wrong. We just don't know. Which is why we've got to use what energy we have to concentrate on ourselves, doing the stuff we want to do. Best, JJ |
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Patrick1968
said:
| February 07, 2012 | ||
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Marriage doesn't needa warranty..it does what is says on the tin..people need to come with warranties.. | |
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scaryclairie
said:
| February 07, 2012 | ||
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But that's the point, I know it's naive (I'm sorry I never get the spelling right.) but it did not do what it said on the tin - the tin says - in sickness and in health, to honour and cherish, and until death us do part or words to that effect. And we sign a legal contract to say we enter into it willing. My marriage definitely not do what it said on the tin. We have been mis-sold products - whether by charletons or just fools -or something else - we will have to decide. | |
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Patrick1968
said:
| February 07, 2012 | ||
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You marriage did work. The failure was not yours. If you get into a car and drive it into the wall its not the cars fault and thats borne out by the fact that there are loads of cars out there that haven't been crashed into walls. I'm going to kick myself for saying this becuase everything I have experienced says otherwise but I do believe in marriage just not to the tw*t that I married. There is an argument that monogamy doesn't work anymore its not normal, people change so why not change people, why stick with the 'one' forever? I don't have the answer other than when I was married I was the happiest I've ever been. We live in strange times. | |
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scaryclairie
said:
| February 07, 2012 | ||
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We do live in strange times indeed. I hope you find happiness again sometime Patrick. Maybe part of the 'strange times' we live in is that we are impatient with ourselves when 'we do not get over it'. Maybe we have false expectations of ourselves as well as others? (Even I'm not entirely convinced by this argument - just thinking allowed.) Anyway - I dearly hope sometime you find that crock of gold. | |
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scaryclairie
said:
| February 07, 2012 | ||
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Further to the does marriage do what it says on the tin argument. Perhaps like all 'purchases' it is a case of caveat epmtor and that we as buyers were just now aware enough! | |
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